swiping left and doing right
on the perils of modern dating, being in the emotional trenches, and our collective cluelessness about life post breakup
1. bumbling about unhinged, and other dating app to-not-dos
in 2022, i spent some meaningful in the trenches of online dating1, enough to have developed an authority on the ‘dating pool’ in the 50-km geographic radius of where i live. this piece is downright hilarious and pointedly insightful about how to weed through the rubbish and unanimous red flags (attention men: something to learn). don’t we all love the performative dance of being hot (but not too sexy), cute (but not too boring), smart (but not too intimidating), funny (but not too bro-ey), and authentic (but not too…human).
2. online dating advice sucks and we all need to touch grass
caring is cool again! i promise! be a simp, feel your feelings, share them openly.
Everywhere you look, the internet is shouting at you: "If he wanted to, he would," "Don’t settle for crumbs,” "Never double text," But here you are, staring at your phone, not sending that text you desperately want to send because the internet convinced you it’s “too much.” And yet, deep down, you know that love was never meant to be a game of strategy. It’s supposed to be simple—two people showing up, no rules, no pretenses. So, why does it feel like rocket science?
amen.
another excerpt, carpe diem2, etcetera:
3. hey but can we atleast stay friends?
society (by which i mean, the internet) remains divided on few things as acutely as the question of whether one can (and should) remain friends with their ex.
when i am asked this question, “are you still friends with your ex?”, i often joke and say “i am, but they are not friends with me”. funny. true? complicated3.
There are four main reasons, Rebecca Griffith and her colleagues found, why exes feel compelled to maintain a friendship or to suggest doing so: for civility (i.e., I want this breakup to hurt less than it will otherwise), for reasons relating to unresolved romantic desires (I want to see other people but keep you within reach in case I change my mind), for practicality (We work together/go to school together/share mutual friends, and thus we should stay on good terms to minimize drama), and for security (I trust you and want you to remain in my life as a confidant and supportive presence).
are we just more ‘emotionally evolved’ as a generation? or do we just have a debilitating fear of being lonely as a society?
CLICK HERE: The Evolution of the Desire to Stay Friends With Your Ex
4. to desire and be desired, in body and beyond
what a standout piece of writing. exploring desire, evoking eros, and questioning the allure of the unknown, the unattainable.
perhaps this is why the idea of intellectual seduction is so intoxicating: it thrives on restraint. a conversation charged with subtext, a letter laden with implication, a gaze held just a second too long—these moments generate their own kind of tension, a pleasure sharpened by denial. the body, paradoxically, becomes most present in its absence. if physical desire burns quickly, intellectual intimacy smolders.
5. the only way to heal from a broken heart is to love more
One of my all-time favs. “Blessing for the Brokenhearted”, a poem by Jan Richardson :)
“Let us agree
for now
that we will not say
the breaking
makes us stronger
or that it is better
to have this pain
than to have done
without this love.
Let us promise
we will not
tell ourselves
time will heal
the wound,
when every day
our waking
opens it anew.
Perhaps for now
it can be enough
to simply marvel
at the mystery
of how a heart
so broken
can go on beating,
as if it were made
for precisely this—
as if it knows
the only cure for love
is more of it,
as if it sees
the heart’s sole remedy
for breaking
is to love still,
as if it trusts
that its own
persistent pulse
is the rhythm
of a blessing
we cannot
begin to fathom
but will save us
nonetheless.”
anyhoo, swiping is not going to heal you.
until next time & new reads!
🌻
~ rufus
seriously. i created a powerpoint presentation on ‘my 2022 dating year wrapped’. and yes it is possible to see that deck for the right price.
but remember. all actions have consequences. i feel like this just needed to be clarified.
if you’re an ex and you’re reading this (highly doubtful), do you wanna be friends with me?