new chapter new(ish) we
on evolving identities, and building new practices
1. leave me alone (but only sometimes)
as a former proud badge holder of the introvert club, i have now given up trying to justify my membership there. what makes someone a correct introvert? is it about the solitary preference of one’s own company, or is it about where one goes to recharge energies? is it about the inability to socialise that excludes them from the rival extrovert club, or is it the holier-than-thou choice of being too good for small talk? who knows. i can’t seem to belong.
what i do know is that… it’s a spectrum. shocking, i know. and it changes throughout our lives!!! being in london - a city filled with overtly polite strangers intent on making eye contact and greet you - does make you more sociable. does it make me an extrovert? i’ll report back in 3 business days after i recharge away from human interaction.
Sociability, it seems to me, is both a muscle to work on (which I am fortunate my day job forces me to maintain) and a runway to expansive and enjoyable connection which actually requires less effort than it first seems. And, despite all this chitty chatting and the genuine pleasure I get from it, I would still not classify myself “an extrovert”… though I might be justifiably accused of being a shameless platonic flirt.
this is a good piece that also touches upon how social charm is a separate thing + how our loneliness can be (is being) exploited by evil-AI.
2. loving your friends
circumstantial friendships are the bomb. oh to be proximate, with shared context, and find camaraderie. i’m 30, at uni, and once again, find myself titillated by the prospect of circumstantial friendships. and you know what? it’s still hard!!! i’ve never claimed to be an expert at making friendships, but i think i’m getting much better at maintaining friendships. and perhaps one of the ingredients is to always keep expanding your knowledge bank about the people in your life :)
no better way than to ask them questions, even if it may mean you take them hostage and drag them to get ice cream with you at midnight. i liked this essay because it reminded me of the iconic NYT’s 36 questions that lead to love ~ and how so much of friendship is just that, being in love1.
3. i am smart & i don’t act it
the fact that this substack comes after the longest gap since i started writing it in march is simultaneously infuriating and concerning to me. i blame busy-ness. i blame being ‘more present’ offline. but those are hokey. i think it’s brainrot. which is terrifying since being at university again was meant to invogirate me intellectually! and invite a resurgence of curiosity! and inspiration and ideas!
small panique. but i love this essay. it enables a gentle practice to rebuild & rehabilitate. nothing groundbreaking, but sometimes it’s the simple steps that we need reminding of.
you’ll see a few expected things here (yep, the phone… being bored… reading more, etc) - but what i’m gonna start trying to do is build a freewriting practice. i was introduced to it recently as part of an academic workshop, but i am shook at the amount of word vomit & thought blabber that comes out of just 10mins of freewriting2. 10/10 recommend.
4. emotions across oceans
being at a hyper international uni/city has brought along fascinating opportunities to observe and absorb emotions too. as i navigate friendships, dates, teammates, peers, professors, acquaintances, service staff, random strangers - across every nationality imaginable - it’s utterly interesting to see how emotions travel inter culturally3.
although, how much of you is you, and how much of you is what you feel, and how much of what you feel is uniquely you vs where you’re from… right. found this fab podcast with Batja Mesquita, on the Hidden Brain, based on her book “Between Us”.
LINK HERE: https://www.hiddenbrain.org/podcast/decoding-emotions/here’s a peek:
I mean, what we originally wanted to know is what the most prevalent translations were of those universal words, and so we thought we could find those by asking people to list as many emotion words as they want. So, they listed, the Dutch and the Turkish and the Surinamese immigrants, listed those emotions, but we found actually a lot of emotions that at that point I didn’t consider emotions at all. We found that, especially the Turkish and the Surinamese group, listed a lot of behaviors, things like crying or laughing or helping or yelling, and we also found that some of the most mentioned emotions in those cultures were not the emotions that we had been taught were universal. Love and hate were very prevalent, but also missing, desire, longing, so we found a completely different set of words that people came up with when we asked them to give examples of emotions.
5. “what space faith can occupy”
i’ve intellectualised too much today and want to end with a simp-y love poem, because at the end of the day, i am just a lover gurl.
until next time & new reads!
🌻
~ rufus
it’s not always easy to remember that romantic love does not need a pedestal. the conditioning runs deep, esp. if you’ve grown up on a hearty appetite of grand bollywood love bombing. community can be romance, and romance should integrate community.
if i just wake up every morning with a routine of yoga + meditation + free writing + a power smoothie, i will be unstoppable. it’s just me vs the seasonal depression.
friend 1: “it was a great date! but he didn’t once give me a compliment. so idk does he even like me?!” / friend 2: “he’s just british, love”.
eagerly awaiting your villain/extrovert arc
The “questions” article and many more are nearly always on my phone when I realise the evening around the table is going to be awkward. It’s saved many such nights, especially on time where the expectation of party is drinking and the vibe (and lack of participation) is not aligned to that.